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mind_the_muse :: February :: 5 Days...

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Feb. 11th, 2008 | 12:59 am
mood: creativecreative

Five days you never had and one day you did.

1. There’s a Norah Jones song playing somewhere about election day, who knows, maybe he's not deranged. She’s hot and he hates to disappoint. Colbert’s already been sworn in, which means there’s no more time to review his note cards – he’ll wing it, he’s gotten elected and no one’s taking this title away. He’s just got to take the oath of office, address the nation – which, he has to remind his vice president is the Crane-Colbert nation, not strictly under Colbert alone. He hates to wound the kid’s ego, but it’s Denny Crane who makes the power plays now. President Denny Crane. He’s going to end the war at some point – today, well tonight specifically, he plans on having sex in the oval office.

2. The couch is uncomfortable. The subject is even worse. Normally he has to lie back and wax nostalgic, but today he can’t do that. He’s starting to become unnerved, thinking that cows are homosexual, so it’s the mad cow’s fault. But, he’s come to the unsettling conclusion that the male-bonding he shares with Alan has crossed the line. He sniffs him, no longer hoping to catch a whiff of Lorraine’s perfume; in fact, he finds himself feeling jealous if he detects any hint of perfume on Alan’s perfectly tailored suit. Alan doesn’t ask for sleepovers anymore; they happen nightly, without question. That’s why he’s come to see the shrink: Denny Crane is in love with Alan Shore.

3. Oh, he’s always been larger than life, but he’s been taken to new heights today. He’s visiting the New York office as the parade couldn’t be moved to Boston. He still doesn’t understand why, but it isn’t bothering him at the moment – he’s got a balcony in every major city of the country, and in the cold November morning, he seated on one in New York. Alan’s there, in his usual seat beside Denny. Stephen is supposed to be there, but he’s running around with his camera crew, trying to catch the best view possible – which, naturally, Denny insists is on the balcony, and besides, he’s got the parade set up on Tivo. But there it is, just after Snoopy and right before Dora the Explorer – the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade proudly unveils the Denny Crane float. It looks like a re-purposed Charlie Brown one, but it doesn’t matter – no one can ever question Denny Crane’s size again.

4. Money supposedly can’t buy happiness, but that’s only if you don’t know how to spend it. He bought himself a spot on Dancing with the Stars. If Mark Cuban can do it, then anyone can. Besides, Denny’s a fantastic dancer. He also made a monetary arrangement to purchase the partner of his choice. It was a hard decision. Kym is hot and Australian – however, he wants to win, and she’s only won in her country. Julianne is hot, but under-aged – it wouldn’t be good for press. Cheryl, however, hot, legal, and reportedly single according to Wikipedia.com. There are other famous people he’ll have to compete with, supposedly. He isn’t really planning on dancing. He’s found a loophole. He’s put enough money into gaining popularity on the internet, but really, all he wants is the satisfaction of the Mirror Ball Trophy. He bought one, which arrived today and is presently seated on his desk. He thinks it’ll go nicely with the Stanley Cup.

5. Denny Crane always knew things would end this way. He’s been preparing for this day for as long as he can remember – which could be since childhood or last week, depending on the mood of the mad cow. Zombies. Apparently the outbreak started in Jersey which didn’t come as much of a surprise; the only good things to come out of Jersey are musicians and Dave Thomas – Denny Crane loves a double-stack. Of course, Dave Thomas is already deceased, and Denny hopes he isn’t one of the bodies revived – everyone’s had enough ghosts of Wendy’s chili to deal with. He and Alan are the only ones still in the office; Alan looks like he’s going to puke again any minute. There’s a plan though – a plan that consists of tickets to some place out of the country, assuming they can get to the private jet. Oh, and they can. Alan’s agreeable at this point since he isn’t keen on dying. The other good thing to come from Jersey was Norman Schwarzkopf, though Denny Crane will never confirm or deny his affiliation. However, there happens to be a tank stored beneath the parking garage. There’s something very bat cave about it, but he’s always wanted a tank in case of any emergency. With guns in hand, he and Alan take the elevator to the bottom floor; from there they take the stairs. Denny proudly shows off his hidden tank. Alan pukes, but that isn’t a surprise either.


1. He’s holding Alan’s hand. They’ve been here before. If things really went his way, then they’d never be here again. But, he’s waiting for test results and the nervous anticipation is making his stomach ache. He’s stayed active; he’s worked on crossword puzzles daily, starting playing the Wii. Every now and then he challenges Alan to a game of Trivial Pursuit over hot chocolate and smores. He’s going to find a cure for Mad Cow; he’s going to beat it, because he’s Denny Crane, damn it. But the doctor isn’t so reassuring. In fact, he’s something of a smug, cocky bastard which was why Denny choose him in the first place, thinking he’d found a kindred spirit, but now he wishes he’d opted for someone else. Alan will be eager for a second opinion anyway. The doctor says he’s got an eighty percent chance of developing Alzheimer’s within the next six years. But, the doctor also doesn’t believe Denny Crane will still be alive in six years considering he’s seventy-five, drinks and smokes daily. The doctor leaves, and Denny’s still holding Alan’s hand because if he lets go, the reality might sink in.

Muse: Denny Crane
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 1,004

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Comments {3}

Stephen Colbert

(no subject)

from: mr_colbert
date: Feb. 12th, 2008 04:44 am (UTC)

It takes a long time to get used to the sound of "Crane-Colbert" Nation. It doesn't sound quite right. Stephen loves Denny, really, but the ticket should have been the other way around. Stephen had the experience. Denny had Mad Cow. It was a no brainer.

Pun not intended. Even Stephen wasn't that inconsiderate. Denny was his friend. He'd need his endorsement when he ran for President again after this VP gig was over.

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Denny Crane

(no subject)

from: ilookgreat
date: Feb. 12th, 2008 04:53 am (UTC)

Experience, however, isn't everything. And sure, Stephen's got most everything - charisma, pizazz, a following of cultists fans, an endorsement from Dorritos - which, coincidentally go very well with a double-stack. Though Stephen is a shining example of shameless self-promotion, there's still that something he needs in order to properly whore himself out for the country. Colbert may want to bang his nation, but is she willing? ...well, the stingy Republican party, anyway, wasn't willing.

What he lacks is... mad cow. Rather than acting on sheer passion alone, Stephen needs to be able to just go blindly into a situation, without a script - err, well, the writers' strike might have given him some experience there. He needs the crazy, demented factor. America is a nation run by crazy, old men. Stephen needs the age and the dementia in order to move up the government ladder from VP to just P - not to be confused with Master P. Besides, Denny Crane won't be the first or the last president to be caught with his pants down.

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Stephen Colbert

(no subject)

from: mr_colbert
date: Feb. 15th, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)

Make em say uh. Uhhh. Na na na na.

See? He was hip. He was with it. The thing about hips was that both of Stephen's were intact. America wanted their presidents as tough as nails and as old as dirt. That explained why Hillary had such a long run at the presidency. That dyke looked like a wart that crawled out of some 90 year old hag's buttcrack. Stephen shuddered to think at how close she had come to becoming president.

Until the day he became old, which was a long way off let me assure you - he still has his thick locks of raven black hair thank you very much, Stephen would learn from the best and only other person whom he felt was fit for the Executive office in the modern era.

Now that he was VP he had a few issues to take care of, the first being a quail hunting expedition. He had a few people he wanted to invite...

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