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SIXTY-THREE. Impossible.

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Feb. 6th, 2008 | 01:59 am
mood: amusedamused

Impossible


I know a lot of words. Not as many as Alan – but he knows a lot of words that are big and not particularly useful because not everyone can understand him. I bet that’s why he got word salad. I have mad cow because there’s too much genius for the world to handle. Alan got word salad because he uses too many pointless words. It’s funny when you think about it. But, about me and knowing a lot of words. I do know a lot of words. I do crossword puzzles. I have a crossword puzzle dictionary. I know things.

Did you know there’s only a slight difference between impossible and improbable? The difference comes down to doubt – and believe me, I can argue reasonable doubt until, insert some random cliche’ here. I’m Denny Crane; I’m great with the reasonable doubt line of thinking. Example? Angelina Jolie is hot. That’s a fact, can’t argue with facts. I’m Denny Crane – I look great. I could bang Angelina Jolie. We’re both hot, and hot people have sex with each other – also a fact, can’t argue with it. Now, you could say it’s impossible for me to bang Angelina Jolie. But do you know that beyond all reasonable doubt? If Michael Douglas gets to bang Catherine Zeta-Jones, then Denny Crane can have sex with Angelina Jolie. It’s an improbable situation, because you can’t rule out the possibility. You can’t. You can try, and if you go public with it, I’ll send Stephen Colbert with some truthiness – yes, it’s a word, check the dictionary.

But, let’s talk about something that’s actually impossible. Miss America – Reality Check. I didn’t plan to watch it. The tivo is a tricky bastard, it records things it thinks Denny Crane wants to watch. It wasn’t completely wrong – I love programming dedicated to hot women competing against each other. But no, they actually made a reality show to improve Miss America. She doesn’t need improvement. She doesn’t need a brain. She needs to be able to strut her fantastic ass in a swimsuit and have sex with Denny Crane – that’s really all she’s contractually obligated to do, and if she can’t, that’s what the runner-up is for. But, no, they want to make her smarter and more likable – it’s not about likability, it’s about balance while she swishes her hips, struts down the stage, and balances a crown on her head. It wasn’t a successful program. The butch military babe didn’t make it far, but oh, there’s something to be said about a woman who’s hot and can do one-handed push-ups. The typical blonde won, and I’ve already sent her several expensive gifts, including a proposal to be the Lucky #7 Mrs. Denny Crane – the pageant was in Vegas, there’s plenty of wedding chapels to choose from.

On the subject of impossible butch women though, I had an inappropriate dream about sex with Hillary. Yes, as in Clinton, as in democrat, as in against the few ethics I have left. But that dream has inspired me to fix two impossible situations. Ready? Here's a way to solve the election. Everyone vote Republican. It's the American thing to do. As a consolation prize? Make Hillary Miss America, so she has a reason to campaign around the country, pretending to care about people and their problems. Oh, and I'd bang her too - it's a win-win situation for America and Denny Crane. Is it impossible that this will happen? No. It’s questionable, implausible, doubtful – yes, doubtful, because you can’t rule it out beyond all reasonable doubt. Denny Crane.


Muse: Denny Crane
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 597

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Comments {27}

Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
Link

It's the healthier alternative to mad cow.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 03:09 am (UTC)
Link

Yeah, okay, what is that? You can't possibly be talking about real, honest-to-god Mad Cow Disease here, can you?

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 03:26 am (UTC)
Link

I could, actually. The symptoms are similar to those of Alzheimer's, and there's no way to make a conclusive diagnosis without performing a brain biopsy.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Link

...

That's just frightening.

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 03:44 am (UTC)
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Yes. In a number of ways.

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Denny Crane

(no subject)

from: ilookgreat
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 06:06 am (UTC)
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...............................

Biopsy.

That was your word salad acting up.

Oh, I know, I'll say something that scares you.

CLOWNS.

No more biopsy talk.

Denny Crane.

Mad Cow.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 06:28 am (UTC)
Link

I apologize for alarming you, but it came up in the natural course of conversation, and no, I don't imagine I'll be discussing it again.

Now could you please either delete or lock this comment before the intrepid reporter in our midst begins devising means of tormenting me.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
Link

Hohoho, what's this? Clowns? You fear clowns, Alan?

Heheheh.

*smiles mischeviously*

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:08 pm (UTC)
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Don't--would you lock a claustrophobe in a closet?

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
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It always depends. And if the claustrophobe was you? Come on, what do you think I would do?

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)
Link

You dislike me that much.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:33 pm (UTC)
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No. I'm just surprised that it would be that easy to really get you. In fact, it really can't be this easy, can it?

Maybe I'll just go get myself a big, red, squeaky nose and see what happens when I wear it.

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
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That sounds like it would be a fantastic use of your time.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:40 pm (UTC)
Link

It does, doesn't it? You think a rainbow wig would be a nice touch? I think it would be a nice touch. But I'd have to let you be the judge of that, wouldn't I?

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Alan Shore

(no subject)

from: alan_shore
date: Feb. 7th, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC)
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I'll have my camera ready.

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Murphy Brown

(no subject)

from: heythereslugger
date: Feb. 8th, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
Link

And so will I, to preserve your tears forever.

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