Denny Crane. - SIXTY-THREE. Impossible.

Impossible


I know a lot of words. Not as many as Alan – but he knows a lot of words that are big and not particularly useful because not everyone can understand him. I bet that’s why he got word salad. I have mad cow because there’s too much genius for the world to handle. Alan got word salad because he uses too many pointless words. It’s funny when you think about it. But, about me and knowing a lot of words. I do know a lot of words. I do crossword puzzles. I have a crossword puzzle dictionary. I know things.

Did you know there’s only a slight difference between impossible and improbable? The difference comes down to doubt – and believe me, I can argue reasonable doubt until, insert some random cliche’ here. I’m Denny Crane; I’m great with the reasonable doubt line of thinking. Example? Angelina Jolie is hot. That’s a fact, can’t argue with facts. I’m Denny Crane – I look great. I could bang Angelina Jolie. We’re both hot, and hot people have sex with each other – also a fact, can’t argue with it. Now, you could say it’s impossible for me to bang Angelina Jolie. But do you know that beyond all reasonable doubt? If Michael Douglas gets to bang Catherine Zeta-Jones, then Denny Crane can have sex with Angelina Jolie. It’s an improbable situation, because you can’t rule out the possibility. You can’t. You can try, and if you go public with it, I’ll send Stephen Colbert with some truthiness – yes, it’s a word, check the dictionary.

But, let’s talk about something that’s actually impossible. Miss America – Reality Check. I didn’t plan to watch it. The tivo is a tricky bastard, it records things it thinks Denny Crane wants to watch. It wasn’t completely wrong – I love programming dedicated to hot women competing against each other. But no, they actually made a reality show to improve Miss America. She doesn’t need improvement. She doesn’t need a brain. She needs to be able to strut her fantastic ass in a swimsuit and have sex with Denny Crane – that’s really all she’s contractually obligated to do, and if she can’t, that’s what the runner-up is for. But, no, they want to make her smarter and more likable – it’s not about likability, it’s about balance while she swishes her hips, struts down the stage, and balances a crown on her head. It wasn’t a successful program. The butch military babe didn’t make it far, but oh, there’s something to be said about a woman who’s hot and can do one-handed push-ups. The typical blonde won, and I’ve already sent her several expensive gifts, including a proposal to be the Lucky #7 Mrs. Denny Crane – the pageant was in Vegas, there’s plenty of wedding chapels to choose from.

On the subject of impossible butch women though, I had an inappropriate dream about sex with Hillary. Yes, as in Clinton, as in democrat, as in against the few ethics I have left. But that dream has inspired me to fix two impossible situations. Ready? Here's a way to solve the election. Everyone vote Republican. It's the American thing to do. As a consolation prize? Make Hillary Miss America, so she has a reason to campaign around the country, pretending to care about people and their problems. Oh, and I'd bang her too - it's a win-win situation for America and Denny Crane. Is it impossible that this will happen? No. It’s questionable, implausible, doubtful – yes, doubtful, because you can’t rule it out beyond all reasonable doubt. Denny Crane.


Muse: Denny Crane
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 597