Denny Crane. - FIFTY-NINE. Intrigue.

Intrigue


Denny Crane: The Man, The Legend, The Intrigue

It’s a working title for my autobiography that I’m making the interns write. It’s part of new employee orientation – initiation, really, but don’t tell the kids! I’ve decided that I should start documenting the important points of my life – it’s for education, they need a textbook in order to have a course about Denny Crane. It’s difficult to narrow it down to the important things – we have seventeen chapters, all about the first year of my life. Just wait until we get to adolescence. There’s always more to write about once sex is involved – and no, female viewers, sex is not the enemy. At this rate, it’s going to be a very long series. It will absolutely out-sell that Harry Potter kid. He’s a democratic twerp anyway. Don’t ask how I know. Genius can’t be explained – until you read my autobiographical book series.

I’m worried about detailing everything though. It might inspire the youth of America to be undefeated like me. That would lessen my image, unless they all gave me credit. I should look into copyrighting my undefeated status. I could collect royalties. If I wasn’t already filthy rich, then it would be genius. Although, I could use the royalties to buy Nimmo Bay. That’s always something to consider. I need a vacation. I’m starting to get writer’s block. I blame the Mad Cow. I was thinking of having bite marks on some of the pages, implying that the Mad Cow was hungry. But, that would take up valuable space – pages are money. Also, I have to make sure the interns working on my book aren’t fat – I don’t want to spread the obesity disease in the distribution of my book or soil the pages with bits of Twinkie.

I need to do some additional research – well, the interns need to – before we get to the marriage chapters and the Shirley chapters. I have to check back into the assorted divorce papers, make sure I can document all of it, unrestrained. I also have to make sure Shirley can’t fire me – which, she can’t because my name is first on the door, Sack confirmed it, but it’s always nice to check with her, make her think she holds the balls of the office, something like that. Alan will also be in the book, in completely heterosexual way, with detailed accounts of our sleepovers in order to clear up any homosexual rumors – he’s the democrat who might be into that sort of thing, Denny Crane, as the republican, is opposed, but I do love him. Yes, I said it. If you have a problem with it, then send it to Crane, Poole, & Schmidt, attention Carl Sack. Heh, Denny Crane.